I don't know how many personal and reflecting-type journals I've made total, but I'm just gonna start with a journal from 2017 and the two journals I made last year in July:
I know that barely anyone reads my journals, but that's exactly why I'm posting it here. Just a place for my rambling thoughts that may or may not enlighten someone else.
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Life. Yeah.
I think I'm directionless in my life right now. I mean, there's goals to do like driving, getting a job, etc, but... Idk, I'm unsure where to start sometimes (or too scared to), so I just don't do anything. Pretty much procrastinating on my whole life right now. Sometimes (or, most of the time, really) I just do not feel confident in myself to start driving or getting a job. I'm always always worried about my performance on doing homework and I believe that dictates how well I'll do in other areas of my life. I've etched how crazy important HW is into my head, though I still procrastinate on it. I focus so much on school (and how "bad" I think I'm doing) that I forget other things in my life I should be excited about or need to do, like animating or driving or talking to friends. Because I think I'm doing "bad," I lose confidence in everything and I just wanna go hide in a corner and give up or something.
*sigh* I'm on summer break, which is a perfect opportunity to do things that's not HW. Right now, I feel a little more confident than I would be when in school. I'm going to write in a planner and plan things during my break so I can get things done instead of sleep and play games all day. Rest is good, yeah, but there's other things I've wanted to do/finish.
I remember this idea I thought of years ago, which is that if a person has some sort of family, or a place where they feel they truly belong, then they'll feel motivated to keep on going in life. I then go back to myself, who barely talks to people on a normal day except for a close friend or two sometimes (and my pestering brother, heh). I once had this friend group years ago, which felt like family, but it slowly dissolved as we had our own things in life. I'm always always focused on school things, really don't talk much to people in general nowadays, and I've been wondering about my social life. ( ._.) I've tried messaging some of my friends that I haven't talk to in a while, so that's a little step I guess.
I'm definitely different than I was, even a year ago. 3 years ago. 5 years ago. Lately, I sometimes feel like I forgot who I am. Looking back in the past, I remember being on Hatena/Sudo chats, being chill or content or happy and having a good chat with the others (back when chats were actually active, heh) especially at night. I'd be excited to draw or start a new animation. When I'm in a time crunch, I'd work harder instead of feeling despair and giving up completely. Someday I'll grasp that good energy of the old me and I'll run with it. I won't forget it like how I forget everything during school. I'll work towards that life that the 12 year-old me would be happy about. Now, I know that this motive will eventually run out and I'll be in a hole again, but I just need to remember. I always forget...
I know I don't always reply, but I'd like to thank those that comment on my stuff and support me. <: ) Hope all of you are doing well and/or will do well in your lives as well!